hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
