I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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