1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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