I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
