even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
