This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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