Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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