Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
