Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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