I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
