All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
