P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
