those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
