We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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