i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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