i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
