I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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