I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
