You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
