I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
