I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
