Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This is my gift to your gina
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
