my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i love accidental penises.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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