my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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