I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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