hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
