I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
