i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
