I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
