I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
