Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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