I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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