Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
