Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
