you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
