For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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