Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
