your room smells of hookers.
And success
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
