my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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