There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
