the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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