I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
