Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
As shirtless as possible
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
