onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
