AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
