I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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