Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
