I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
