I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
