guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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